Wednesday, January 12, 2005

It's Been Three Years

Dearest Harriet,

It’s been three years today -- how do I remember this day?

I remember the excitement with which I told K and L about you -- I remember the heaviness of my abdomen. I remember our first visit to the Doctor's office and that hope for new life. I remember my heart literally leaping with joy when she confirmed the pregnancy test.

It's been three years today -- how can I remember this day?

I remember the drifting dreams, as I closed my eyes in my rocking chair. I remember imagining your face, dreaming of your life, thinking of the stories of who you could be, imagining the pull of your hunger from my breast. I remember wondering if you would be dark like K or light complexioned like L. The anticipation was wonderful, the hope was sustaining through the nightmare of my own mother's death. I thought of you as Harriet Marie. I could feel you grow daily.

It's been three years today - how should I remember this day?

How much of my own life would I give to know the color of your eyes? How many years of my own life would I give to have you live a year, a month, just one day? I remember the pain with which the Doctor told me that you would not live, that I was going to miscarry. I had carried you for months, how could this be? You had a name, you had identity, I imagined could feel your soul. I had felt your fish-like motions in my body, you kicked out in joy, you had life -- and then there was nothing. They called you "fetal tissue," but you were and always will be my Harriet.

It's been three years today.
And I dream of you.


Thus says the LORD: "A voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping. Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are not." Jeremiah 31:15  

8 comments:

Preacher Mom said...

Reverend Mommy, I don't know what to say. Nothing can take away that deep sense of loss. God bless you as you remember three years ago today.

St. Casserole said...

I am weeping with you.

Chris said...

Through your words, I weep with you as well.

Tony said...

This is so moving. I know Harriet will always be a precious person in your life, and that she has been and will be a blessing.

reverendmother said...

Oh, it is heartbreaking, the turn from anticipation to terrible grief.

A prayer for comfort and peace this day.

Michael said...

:(

Blessings
Michael

the reverend mommy said...

Thanks for the kind words. The ache is still there, but it is blurred by time.

Blessings to you all.

thicket dweller said...

It's so very good to remember and be remembered. It's quite healing, isn't it?

I praise God that you remember your child. Regardless of the outcome, you gave her life. Eternal life.

Love to you...