I received some unwelcome news this afternoon. In January my senior pastor agreed to introduce me the the Board of Ordained Ministry in lieu of my actual mentor. My mentor is teaching class on Wednesdays and will not be able to attend. I go in front of the board *not* a 22 year old, unattached male. I am older, female and come with a husband and 2 children. This is a strike against me in my conference. Now I will not have anyone to go with me to this meeting -- an occurance that happens in about one of ten candidates. The mentor is to introduce the candidate, to speak on their strengths and weaknesses and to act as the candidate's advocate. Now I will be going alone. I will be OK, however I am more than just irritated. P (my senior pastor) is a good friend, but.... he did not put an important meeting in his calendar. This other meeting involves the Bishop and several District Superintendants. The Board of Ordained Ministry will only meet this one time this Spring. I cannot reschedule -- it's not in my hands. I cannot tell you how irritated I am. My future scholarships depend on this meeting going well.
Now for the tape in the back of my head -- you know the tape.
The one that has been programmed by you past experiences, your relationships with your parents, your early childhood experiences. You think you have erased the tapes and reprogrammed, but sometimes the old music bleeds through. I cannot help but think that P choose the other meeting because it will further his career more that the meeting that means so much to me. He is the chair of this committee for the Bishop -- he would lose much "face" if he cancels or reschedules. And true, the logistics would be overwhelming. I am angry that he did not check his calendar and that he lacks those organizational skills. But (and remember, this comes from my programming from childhood) what should you expect from men? They make promises and then fall through. They choose their own advancement over personal relationships. They abandon you. What do you expect? You always had to find your own way, without help, why should this be different? Now don't those statements speak a world about me? Ha!