Morning Prayer -- George Washington

O eternal and everlasting God, I presume to present myself this morning before thy Divine majesty, beseeching thee to accept of my humble and hearty thanks, that it hath pleased thy great goodness to keep and preserve me the night past from all the dangers poor mortals are subject to, and has given me sweet and pleasant sleep, whereby I find my body refreshed and comforted for performing the duties of this day, in which I beseech thee to defend me from all perils of body and soul....

Increase my faith in the sweet promises of the gospel; give me repentance from dead works; pardon my wanderings, and direct my thoughts unto thyself, the God of my salvation; teach me how to live in thy fear, labor in thy service, and ever to run in the ways of thy commandments; make me always watchful over my heart, that neither the terrors of conscience, the loathing of holy duties, the love of sin, nor an unwillingness to depart this life, may cast me into a spiritual slumber, but daily frame me more and more into the likeness of thy son Jesus Christ, that living in thy fear, and dying in thy favor, I may in thy appointed time attain the resurrection of the just unto eternal life bless my family, friends, and kindred.

--An undated prayer from Washington's prayer journal, Mount Vernon

Morning Prayer -- Lowell Mason -- Work, For the Night is Coming

1. Work, for the night is coming,
Work through the morning hours;
Work while the dew is sparkling,
Work ’mid springing flowers;
Work when the day grows brighter,
Work in the glowing sun;
Work, for the night is coming,
When man’s work is done.

2. Work, for the night is coming,
Work through the sunny noon;
Fill brightest hours with labor,
Rest comes sure and soon.
Give every flying minute,
Something to keep in store;
Work, for the night is coming,
When man works no more.

3. Work, for the night is coming,
Under the sunset skies;
While their bright tints are glowing,
Work, for daylight flies.
Work till the last beam fadeth,
Fadeth to shine no more;
Work, while the night is darkening,
When man’s work is o’er.

Morning Prayer -- George W. Bush

George W. Bush
A Prayer for the Departed

We come before God to pray for the missing and the dead, and for those who love them... On this national day of prayer and remembrance, we ask Almighty God to watch over our nation, and grant us patience and resolve in all that is to come. We pray that He will comfort and console those who now walk in sorrow. We thank Him for each life we now must mourn, and the promise of a life to come.

As we have been assured, neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, can separate us from God's love. May He bless the souls of the departed. May He comfort our own. And may He always guide our country.

--From his address to the nation after the World Trade Center attacks, September 14, 2001

Morning Prayer -- Lowell Mason -- Come Sinners to the Gospel Feast

1 Come sinners, to the gospel feast,
Let every soul be Jesus' guest;
Ye need not one be left behind,
For God hath bid all mankind.

2 "Have me excused" why will you say?
From health, and life, and liberty;
From all that is in Jesus given,
From pardon, holiness and heaven.

3 Come then you souls by sin oppressed,
Ye weary wanderers after rest;
Ye poor and maimed, halt and blind,
In Christ a hearty welcome find.

4 See him set forth before your eyes,
Behold the bleeding sacrifice;
His offered love let all embrace,
And freely now be saved by grace.

5 Ye who believe his record true,
Shall sup with him and he with you;
Come to the feast be saved from sin,
For Jesus waits to take you in.

6 This is the time, no more delay;
This is the glorious gospel day.
Come in this moment at his call,
And live to him who died for all. 

Vacation

We've been on vacation for about a week now.  First the Alabama Shakespeare Festival and now Mexico Beach.  I love the beach.  I don't even have to go into the water to enjoy the beach.  This beach is a tad too crowded for me.  I'm spoiled by Dog Island, Sapelo and St. George.  I'm used to being the ONLY person on the beach.  People a quarter mile away are just too close.  Also the houses and condos are way too close here - I'm just a recluse at heart.

Katharine Hepburn used to have a sign at the end of her beach house driveway that said "Please Go Away."  I understand that sign all too well.  I'm still tired of interaction with people.  I know where it comes from - I deal with way too many people who always want something out of me.  I know that it comes from dealing with the indigent and those who really need a hand up - or a hand out.  I know that I am "taken" too often by those who probably see me as an easy touch.  But I do it anyway and then I end up where I am right now - antisocial.  I'll be glad to be back and by Sunday I'll be myself again.  But right now I'm OK with being in this condo with just us.

I've noticed that my attitude toward food has changed since the last time I was at the beach.  I can't eat (gorge) on beautiful huge seafood platters anymore.  Bill and I have to split a platter.  That's OK because we save money and it means that the surgery has worked for me.  I'm content to split a platter.  All I need is one or two bites of truly delicious food to be content.

Food is still enjoyable - I just can't have that much anymore!

I have also noticed that my bathing suit really doesn't fit anymore.  Today I'm going to have to wear a bra under the suit - which will look funny but it will keep everything where it need to be.  I'm planning on wearing a shirt over the bra and suit to hid all the extra straps.  Added benefit is that I'll have that much more sun protection!  Maybe by the next time we come to the beach, I'll have had skin surgery to take care of some of my problems...

Reflections upon Vacation

It's been 4 1/2 months since Weight Loss Surgery and I've lost 50+ pounds.  I have at least 100 more to go, if not 150 so I'm not excited yet.  I have a certain amount of hanging skin already.  I'm really concerned that I'll get so much, I'll look like Elephant Woman or a Shar Pei.  The kids say that I've been "deflating" instead of shrinking.

I honestly can't tell except that my legs and arms are smaller.  I still have a double chin and a HUGE stomach.  I suppose it's time to exercise more, but I have a tremendous reluctance to go "out" to exercise.  I have an exercise bike and I have purchased a really nice set of hand barbells.  I also need to walk more.  I'm still wearing the same clothing as before - it will seem more real when I start needing new clothing.

I'm also looking at pictures of people who have had skin removal surgery and really thinking about what that might entail for me.  The stomach thing and the "batwings" are the most distressing for me.  Grandmother had a very large amount of skin hanging on her arms that it was almost disabling.  I'm going that way myself.

I think this surgery is going to allow me to truly LIVE until I die ... eventually. I'm not there yet.

*****
I've needed this vacation for quite a while now.  I'm feeling like a piece of chewing gum that's had all the flavor chewed out of it.  I need the recharge.  I'm great about preaching how Jesus took a break from people from time to time to go off alone by himself for prayer and reflection - and I'm lousy at actually doing it.

I've noticed the difference from previous vacations.  Used to be I looked with great anticipation to the next delicious seafood scrumptiousness to be eaten at the next meal.  Now - eh, not so much.  I can nibble off of Bill's platter or the girl's and be satisfied.  I can only eat a few bites at each meal and I want those bites to be excellent: delicious and nutritious. I didn't realize how much of my vacation time was centered around food!  What can I do instead?!?!

I think the NOT focusing on food or photography or watercolors or puzzles or anything else that I am accustomed to doing on vacation has given me more time to be.  Just to be.  I wonder how many of these things I use as distractions. I guess I should turn off the internet as well to do away with ALL distractions.

Morning Prayer - St. Augustine of Hippo - Let me be holy.

Breathe in me O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy.
Act in me O Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy.
Draw my heart O Holy Spirit, that I love but what is holy.
Strengthen me O Holy Spirit, to defend all that is holy.
Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. Amen.

Morning Prayer - St. Francis of Assisi - Peace Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace; Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is error, the truth; Where there is doubt, the faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled, as to console; To be understood, as to understand; To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

Morning Prayer -- St. Francis of Assisi -- Brother Sun and Sister Moon

Most high, all-powerful, all good, Lord!
All praise is yours, all glory, all honor
And all blessing.

To you alone, Most High, do they belong.
No mortal lips are worthy
To pronounce your name.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through all that you have made,
And first my lord Brother Sun,
Who brings the day; and light you give to us through him.
How beautiful is he, how radiant in all his splendor!
Of you, Most High, he bears the likeness.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through Sister Moon and Stars;
In the heavens you have made them, bright
And precious and fair.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through Brothers Wind and Air,
And fair and stormy, all the weather's moods,
By which you cherish all that you have made.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through Sister Water,
So useful, lowly, precious, and pure.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through Brother Fire,
Through whom you brighten up the night.
How beautiful he is, how gayl Full of power and strength.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through Sister Earth, our mother,
Who feeds us in her sovereignty and produces
Various fruits and colored flowers and herbs.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through those who grant pardon
For love of you; through those who endure
Sickness and trial.
Happy those who endure in peace,
By you, Most High, they will be crowned.

All praise be yours, my Lord, through Sister Death,
From whose embrace no mortal can escape.
Woe to those who die in mortal sin
Happy those She finds doing your will!
The second death can do no harm to them.

Praise and bless my Lord, and give him thanks,
And serve him with great humility.

--St. Francis of Assisi

Morning Prayer -- Soren Kierkegaard -- the philosopher at prayer

It is a wonderful thing to see a first-rate philosopher at prayer. Tough-minded thinking and tenderhearted reverence are friends, not enemies. We have for too long separated the head from the heart, and we are the lesser for it. We love God with the mind and we love God with the heart. In reality, we are descending with the mind into the heart and there standing before God in ceaseless wonder and endless praise. As the mind and the heart work in concert, a kind of "loving rationality" pervades all we say and do. This brings unity to us and glory to God.

Tyger, Tyger -- Poem for a Prayer

Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Tyger the poem reads,
You burn bright
And like that fatalistic moth of old,
I am consumed by that flame.

My plumage is fiercely colored,
Jewel tones of emerald, amethyst and carnelian
Long flowing feathers stream behind me
Unconstrained by any boundary and I am
Facile in movement and song,
A glorious splatter of color against the brilliant blue of the sky.

Until
Attracted by that brightness,
I am captured into your consuming presence
And I burn to ash

But
Only to rise again into my natural splendor.
It is ashes to ashes, dust to dust, but I am caught in a never-ending cycle
Of color and ash, song and sorrow, completeness and brokenness.

Are we stuck in this lifeboat?
You and I? We have, between the two of us
Fascinated and used up all in this boat with us.
Your charisma and my obsessions have either burnt them up
Or driven away all but those whose armor is strong
Or senses are dulled.

Will your essential tygerness and my volatile nature co-exist?
Will my forest continue to be friendly? Or will I have to leave?
Yet this lifeboat is all I can hang on to until we reach land.

You are no pussycat
And I am no owl.
A Tyger and a Phoenix went out to sea…

Morning Prayer -- Soren Kierkegaard -- I die every day

Lord! Make our heart Your temple in which You live. Grant that every impure thought, every earthly desire might be like the idol Dagon - each morning broken at the feet of the Ark of the Covenant. Teach us to master flesh and blood and let this mastery of ourselves be our bloody sacrifice in order that we might be able to say with the Apostle: "I die every day." 

Morning Prayer -- Soren Kierkegaard -- One Thing

Father in Heaven! What are we without You! What is all that we know, vast accumulation though it be, but a chipped fragment if we do not know You! What is all our striving, could it ever encompass a world, but a half-finished work if we do not know You: You the One, who is one thing and who is all!

So may You give to the intellect, wisdom to comprehend that one thing; to the heart, sincerity to receive this understanding; to the will, purity that wills only one thing. In prosperity may You grant perseverance to will one thing; amid distractions, collectedness to will one thing; in suffering, patience to will one thing.

You that gives both the beginning and the completion, may You early, at the dawn of the day, give to the young the resolution to will one thing. As the day wanes, may You give to the old a renewed remembrance of their first resolution, that the first may be like the last, the last like the first, in possession of a life that has willed only one thing. Alas, but this has indeed not come to pass. Something has come in between. The separation of sin lies in between. Each day, and day after day something is being placed in between: delay, blockage, interruption, delusion, corruption. So in this time of repentance may You give the courage once again to will one thing.

True, it is an interruption of our ordinary tasks; we do lay down our work as though it were a day of rest when the penitent is alone before You in self-accusation. This is indeed an interruption. But it is an interruption that searches back into its very beginnings that it might bind up anew that which sin has separated, that in its grief it might atone for lost time, that in its anxiety it might bring to completion that which lies before it.

You that gives both the beginning and the completion, give Your victory in the day of need so that what neither our burning wish nor our determined resolution may attain to, may be granted unto us in the sorrowing of repentance: to will only one thing.

Morning Prayer -- Soren Kierkegaard -- Petition for all who are sick and sorrowful

Father in Heaven! To You the congregation often makes its petition for all who are sick and sorrowful, and when someone among us lies ill, alas, of mortal sickness, the congregation sometimes desires a special petition; grant that we may each one of us become in good time aware what sickness it is which is the sickness unto death and aware that we are all of us suffering from this sickness.

O Lord Jesus Christ, who came to earth to heal them that suffer from this sickness, form which, alas, we all suffer, but from which You are able to heal only those who are conscious they are sick in this way; help us in this sickness to hold fast to You, to the end that we may be healed of it.

O God the Holy Spirit, who comes to help us in this sickness if we honestly desire to be healed; remain with us so that for no single instance we may to our own destruction shun the Physician, but may remain with Him - delivered from sickness. For to be with Him is to be delivered from our sickness, and when we are with Him we are saved from all sickness. 

Morning Prayer -- Soren Kierkegaard -- Seeking is never without its promise

Father in Heaven! We know indeed that seeking is never without its promise, how then could we fail to seek You, the author of all promises and the giver of all good gifts! We know well that the seeker does not always have to wander far afield since the more scared the object of his search, the nearer it is to him; and if he seeks You, O God, You are of all things most near!

But we know also that the seeking is never without its pains and temptations, how then would there not be fear in seeking You, who are mighty! Even he who trusts in thought to his kinship with You does not venture forth without fear upon those crucial decisions of thought where, through doubt, he seeks to trace Your presence in the wise order of existence or, through despair, he seeks to trace You in the obedience under providence of rebellious events. 

Those, whom You call Your friends, who walk in the light of Your countenance, they, too, not without trembling, seek the meeting of friendship with You who alone are mighty. People of prayer who love with their whole heart - it is not without anxiety that they venture into the conflict of prayer with their God. The dying man, for whom You shift the scene, does not relinquish the temporal without a shudder when You call him. Not even the child of woe, for whom the world has nothing but suffering, flee to You without fear, You who do not merely alleviate, but are all in all! How then should the sinner dare to seek You, O God of righteousness! But therefore he seeks You, not as these others do, but seeks You in the confession of sins. 

Optimism and the Board of Ordained Ministry

I am at heart an optimistic person.  Although I am enough of a realist to know to expect the worst possible outcome, I almost always anticipate the best.  I am reminded of Ronald Reagan's favorite joke.  To quote:

"The joke concerns twin boys of five or six. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities - one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist - their parents took them to a psychiatrist." 

"First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. 'What's the matter?' the psychiatrist asked, baffled. 'Don't you want to play with any of the toys?' 'Yes,' the little boy bawled, 'but if I did I'd only break them.'

"Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. 'What do you think you're doing?' the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. 'With all this manure,' the little boy replied, beaming, 'there must be a pony in here somewhere!'"  - excerpted from How Ronald Reagan Changed My Life by Peter Robinson

I am that optimist - there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!  I think that we are promised that in Romans 8 - that all things, no matter how good or how bad - in fact how incredibly awful, stinking and horrible - all things will work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. We may not see it immediately - we may NEVER see it, but this is His promise.  And I rest in that promise.

Or as Thich Nhat Hanh would state it:

"'Neither defiled nor immaculate.' Defiled or immaculate. Dirty or pure. These are concepts we form in our mind. A beautiful rose we have just cut and placed in our vase is immaculate. It smells so good, so pure, so fresh. It supports the idea of immaculateness. The opposite is a garbage can. It smells horrible, and it is filled with rotten things.

"But that is only when you look on the surface. If you look more deeply you will see that in just five or six days, the rose will become
part of the garbage. You do not need to wait five days to see it. If you just look at the rose, and you look deeply, you can see it now. And
if you look into the garbage can, you see that in a few months its contents can be transformed into lovely vegetables, and even a rose." excerpted from The Heart of Understanding.

Things just ARE.  Most really are not that different in substance - the good that we perceive cannot really exist without that which we see as bad, just as the rose cannot exist without compost, the rose is on the way to being the compost and the compost the rose.  It's all a part of the cycle.

I was deferred by the Board of Ordained Ministry for a year.  Some see this as bad, awful, rotten and so forth.  I see the pony, I see the rose. I am on the way to becoming the person God intended.  How can this be bad?  All things work together for the good, for those who are called according to His purpose.  If God is for me, who can be against me?  Praise God!  I am becoming.

One month, two days post surgery.

Tonight the loving husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant that features Mediterranean food.  All went well with the hummus and pita bread.  I tried a Dolmos - started to feel queasy.  I ate half of a Falafel - not so good. I ended up in the Ladies' room, sick to my stomach.  It's the first time I actually have lost food.  I guess I'll stick to the blander diet the Doctor suggested.

I end up eating ... meat.  Lots of meat.  I *have* to get in 80 to 90 grams of protein.  If I could eat a steak, I'd have no problem.  But I have a stomach the size of a banana and can only eat every three hours -- just a couple of ounces at a time.

Good news is that I'm down 29 pounds today.  I'll take it.

Day 23

It's day 23 since surgery and I'm down 26 pounds total.  I had hoped for more, but there it is.  I weigh now less than I have in 5 years, so that's good.  I hope to weigh less that I did 10 years ago before I have to go before the board in March.  And I hope to weigh less than I did between children before conference in June.  It's not been easy.  I still am not on a solid diet - all pureed foods and liquids.  Most of the protein shakes I've been drinking have tasted bad - and I just can't stomach them.  My taste buds have indeed shifted since surgery.  I want something different just for the flavor.  I have to force myself to drink 3 protein shakes and eat the two meals (even if they are only 4 ounces!) The worst of it is taking my pills.  I can only take one or two per hour, so it takes HOURS to take my pills.

++++++++++

To continue on with the last posting:
When did I become ready to have the surgery?  Physically, I'm sure it was quite a while ago, but mentally it was when a piece of cake won.  It had power over me.  I gave into a desire for that cake, even when I knew that the consequences were not going to be good because it wasn't my cake.

When I realized that I really don't have power over food, I gave over my desires to a higher power.  Prayer really does work - prayer and meditation.  When I finally realized I couldn't lose the weight on my own, that I needed to do something drastic, it was probably last June.  I researched what I needed to do.

First I needed to see if I would qualify for the surgery.  The surgical center around here needed to see:

• A body mass index of greater than or equal to 40
• Body mass index between 35 and 39 and at least one major medical co-morbidity, such as:
• Respiratory problems (sleep apnea or hypoventilation syndrome)
• Diabetes
• Hypertension

I didn't have the co-morbidities, but I did have the BMI.  Not having the co-morbidities is the reason I wouldn't have qualified 15 years ago, but I have gained a considerable amount of weight since my mother died in 2001.

Then I looked at the requirements of our health insurances (I'm covered by two - mine and my husband's).  They were many.

My insurance company require six consecutive months of documented weight loss attempts. We needed documentation for each visit:

• Vital signs (must include weight)
• Discussion of and suggestions of diet
• Discussion of physical activity or exercise program 
• Discussion of behavioral modification
• Discussion of or use of weight loss drugs.

In addition, there was an extensive psychological interview.  My husband's insurance had the additional stipulation that I needed to document several years of obesity (which I obtained from my PCP.)

After I gathered all the information, I had to attend a nutrition seminar which was followed up by a one-to-one discussion with the nutritionist.  Then I had to be cleared for surgery by my PCP, a presurgical appointment with the doctor, a presurgical appointment with the hospital, EKG and a two week liquid diet.

This takes a lot of work and perseverance.  And it's only the beginning.

Day 17 - Update and What I Did Before Surgery

First, I haven't lost anything in the past few days.  I've lost approximately 24 pound since Jan 1 and then I have hit a "stall."  Not unexpected - perfectly normal, but slightly discouraging.  I'm continuing on with the program and I know something will have to give eventually.  I understand that the process MUST have stalls and plateaus.  From what I understand, the lipids (fats) leave the fat cells, but there is still cellular structure left behind. That cellular structure is filled with lymph and "water" - but not all the way.  Water weighs more than fat, therefore I weigh the same amount, although I am smaller.  Eventually the cellular structure gets redistributed and I will lose weight again.  But as with all waiting, the anticipation gets to me.  The tape in my head says things like, "See, this isn't going to work either."

I also need to change it up a bit.  Maybe bump up the protein.  Maybe more exercise.  I need to get on the exercise bike today because it's just too cold outside to walk.  But I think the main thing is to NOT FREAK OUT because I'm not losing weight like I think I should.

++++

This surgery had been a consideration for me for a long long time.  I think the first time I considered WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) was 1994 after my first child.  At that time, I was maybe 40 to 50 pounds overweight.  It took a few months to lose that "baby fat" but I eventually did it and was able to wear a size 12 in between kids.  After my second child, I encountered some medical issues unrelated to weight and gained.  I wasn't too concerned at the time with the weight and put that worry on the back burner.

After the second child, I became an At Home Mommy.  It just made sense at the time.  However, I really went through a grieving process at the lost of my identity as a career-woman. There was also additional stress in my extended family that caused me more anxiety.  Stress + Anxiety = Weight Gain.  Simple equation.  I still didn't consider surgery an option, but did some research.

In fact, I didn't really consider surgery as an option until we moved to Rome and I began to gain more weight.  By this time, I think I had tried every diet known to man (OK, an exaggeration).  I figured out that I have spent more than half my life on a diet, losing weight and then the other half gaining weight.  I have spent literally thousands of dollars on the pursuit of losing weight.  I know this because my loving husband, Bill, keeps meticulous records of our spending and one day I added it all up.  Thousands of dollars, and for what?  In 2012, I weighed more than I have ever weighed before.

So in November 2012, I attended a WLS seminar given by Harbins Clinic and the office of Dr. Ryland Scott.  I filled out preliminary paperwork to see what kind of coverage I had with my insurance companies.  Then I waited.  I was interested, but I wasn't ready.  When did I become ready?  Next installment....

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