A Witch!

GOOD NEW CAUCUS: A lesbian! A lesbian! A lesbian! We've got a lesbian! A lesbian!
CONSERVATIVE #1: We have found a lesbian, might we burn her?
GOOD NEWS: Burn her! Burn!
SYMONETTE: How do you know she is a lesbian?
CONSERVATIVE #2: She looks like one.
SYMONETTE: Bring her forward.
STROUD: I'm not evil! I'm not evil!
SYMONETTE: But you are dressed as one.
STROUD: They dressed me up like this.
GOOD NEWS: No, we didn't -- no.
STROUD: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
SYMONETTE: Well?
CONSERVATIVE #1: Well, we did do the nose.
SYMONETTE: The nose?
CONSERVATIVE #1: And the hat and the Birkenstocks-- but she is a lesbian!
GOOD NEWS: Burn her! Lesbian! Lesbian! Burn her!
SYMONETTE: Did you dress her up like this?
GOOD NEWS: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, a bit, a bit.
CONSERVATIVE #1: She has got Birkenstocks!
SYMONETTE: What makes you think she is a lesbian?
CONSERVATIVE #3: Well, she tried turning me into a liberal. She tried making me inclusive!
SYMONETTE: A liberal?
CONSERVATIVE #3: I got better.
CONSERVATIVE #2: Burn her anyway!
GOOD NEWS: Burn! Burn her!
SYMONETTE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a lesbian.
GOOD NEWS: Are there? What are they? Do they hurt?
SYMONETTE: Tell me, what do you do with lesbians?
CONSERVATIVE #2: Burn! Defrock!
GOOD NEWS: Burn, burn them up! Defrock!
SYMONETTE: And what do you defrock and burn apart from lesbians?
CONSERVATIVE #1: More lesbians!
CONSERVATIVE #2: Wood!
SYMONETTE: So, why do lesbians burn?
[pause]
CONSERVATIVE #3: B 'cause they're made of wood...?
SYMONETTE: Good!
GOOD NEWS: Oh yeah, yeah...
SYMONETTE: So, how do we tell whether she, is made, of wood?
CONSERVATIVE #1: Build a bridge out of her.
SYMONETTE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
CONSERVATIVE #2: Oh, yeah
SYMONETTE: Does wood sink in water?
CONSERVATIVE #1: No, no.
CONSERVATIVE #2: It floats! It floats!
CONSERVATIVE #1: Throw her into the pond!
GOOD NEWS: The pond!
SYMONETTE: What also floats in water?
CONSERVATIVE #1: Bread!
CONSERVATIVE #2: Apples!
CONSERVATIVE #3: Very small rocks!
CONSERVATIVE #1: Cider!
CONSERVATIVE #2: Great gravy!
CONSERVATIVE #1: Cherries!
CONSERVATIVE #2: Mud!
CONSERVATIVE #3: Churches -- churches! Churches float!
CONSERVATIVE #2: Lead -- lead!
UMC: A duck.
GOOD NEWS: Oooh.

Thanks to Gavin for the artistic inspiration.