Monday, June 06, 2005

A few thoughts

I have been re-reading the comments from last week's posting about my mother's death. I took them with me to the beach -- to my little bit of Paradise and they gave me comfort. The wound is healing -- and I know it will probably break open again before it will be completely healed. Grief is such a funny and strange thing. It catches you so unaware and steals your contentment -- or maybe just your complacency.

When I had my lumpectomy in 1996, I developed a severe wound infection. The wound healed up so beautifully on the outside, yet there were 1000 cc of pus inside. I had to allow the surgeon to break open that wound and drain all the pus away. So many times our wounds and scars look so nice on the outside -- we think that we are completely healed and then the wound breaks open and the infection seeps out. After the wound was drained, I had at-home nurses come every day for 3 months to dress the wound with a wet dressing -- packing it with saline soaked gauze and letting it heal from the inside out. The scar is so very ugly now -- yet I am indeed healed.

So it is with grief -- we have to let out the infection. We cannot swallow it, repress it, deny it. We have to attend to it, dress it with prayer and memory and let it heal from the inside out. Otherwise it will poison us and something will die. This venue allows me to do that, hopefully in a safe manner -- in a way that is not harmful. So I will continue to grieve -- sporadically, getting caught unaware. I thank you again for the comments, prayers and encouragement.


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