Mama, mama, mama, are we in Florida yet?
Me: (amused) No, sugar, we aren’t out of the subdivision yet. I’ll let you know when we are in Florida.
***
Mama, mama, mama, are we in Florida yet?
Me: (less amused) No, sugar, we aren’t past the grocery store yet. I’ll let you know when we are in Florida.
***
(Around 100th time) Mama, mama, mama, are we in Florida yet?
Me: (no longer amused) No, sugar, we are not in Florida. (voice beginning to rise in pitch and volume) As I told you five minutes ago, for the 100th time, I’ll let you know when we are in Florida. We have hours and hours and hours and hours to go before we get to Florida. Do not ask me again, unless you wish to see the emergence of Cujo mama -- Do You Understand? And Cujo mama does not like Florida. Cujo mama will turn the car around and go home!
Loving Husband: Dear, are you OK?
Me: (growl)
***
Loving Husband: Hey! No hitting each other with pillows. Do you understand?
Chaos: Ok, Daddy.
A few quiet moments and then the hitting continues.
Loving Husband: Hey! I said "No hitting each other with pillows." Do you understand?
Chaos: We weren't hitting each other, we were tossing them to each other.
Loving Husband: Hey! No throwing pillows around the back of the car! Do you understand?
Chaos: OK, Daddy.
A few quiet moments and then the throwing continues.
Loving Husband: Hey! I said "No throwing pillows." What do you not understand?
Chaos: We weren't throwing them, we were bonking ourselves with the pillows.
Loving Husband: (growing very red in face) Hey! No hitting with pillows, No throwing pillows, No bonking with pillows! No movement of the pillows at all. None. Do You Understand??
Chaos: (very small voice) OK Daddy.
Me: Are you OK, dear?
Loving Husband: I think we are raising a lawyer.
***
Chaos: Hey mama, we’re passing Vienna! Can we stop and get some sausages?
Entropy: Yea! We want some
Together: Teeny Weeenies!!
(amused and sad my children associate Vienna with sausages and not with a beautiful city in Europe….)
***
Chaos: Mama, mama, mama, she’s spitting on me!!
Me: All bodily fluids are to stay within the appropriate area. That means that all saliva is to stay within your mouth. Do you understand?
Entropy: You mean I can’t swallow any? Or spit at the Dentist's office?
Me: (sigh) We are not at the Dentist's office. Do not spit on your sister.
Entropy: You mean I can’t spit on her if she spits on me first?
Me: Yes.
Entropy: That’s not fair!
Me: (getting red in face) No Spitting! No Spitting! No Spitting! And I mean both of you! Do you understand me?
Loving Husband: Dear, are you OK?
***
Entropy: Daddy, daddy, daddy, she’s smearing boogers on me!
Daddy: No smearing boogers.
Entropy: Daddy, daddy, daddy, she’s smearing boogers on me!
Daddy: I said, “No smearing boogers.”
Chaos: I wasn’t smearing, I was wiping.
Daddy: No wiping boogers.
Entropy: Daddy, daddy, daddy, she’s wiping boogers on me!
Daddy: I said, “No wiping boogers.”
Chaos: I wasn’t wiping, I was flicking.
Daddy: (getting red in the face) No boogers! (voice beginning to rise) No wiping, smearing, flicking, blowing, spattering, daubing, spreading, or applying boogers to any part of another person, do you understand?
Chaos: (little voice) I understand, can I have a tissue?
Me: (getting a tissue out of my purse; it’s a little ragged.) Here.
Chaos: Ooo, gross! You want me to blow my nose on THAT?
Me: You mean instead of your sister’s hair? YES.
Me: (to loving husband who is getting rather incoherent) Dear, are you OK?
***
After tire blows and we have to stop and get new tire
Chaos: Hey, look! There’s a sign! There are spitting people here!
Me: What? (I see sign “No spitting where people are working.” Maybe this is a problem for others as well.)
***
Me: Look Dear! The last three billboards were for exotic dancing and adults bookstores and now we have one for micro-surgical vasectomy reversal. (giggles)
Loving Husband: Oh, that’s funny!
Chaos: Why is that funny? What’s the joke?
***
Me: Hey, girls! We’re in Florida! (silence) Girls?
Look back and both are sound asleep….
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